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fast but not furious

"Surpise me."

This was a note to myself not too long ago.
Mission accomplished.

This is the part where I'm supposed to hurt, hate and hover. Why is it that I don't feel anything, anymore? Believe me, I've tried every thing to remind myself, "Hey, now's the time you've been waiting for. For whatever it's worth, this is where and when you're entitled to EX-ercise your rights." (Pun intended. Ha, ha.)

I've encountered people questioning my position and reaction with regard to this matter. They are astonished by the way I respond to the circumstance. I can't help but wonder why.

"But it's only been four months.. Four years is equivalent to four months? It doesn't make sense at all."-I've been getting a lot of those lately.

Call me melodramatic and emotional but I did everything to search for the so-called 'pain' at rock bottom. I guess I've hit it long before I even noticed. Now, it's nowhere to be found.

Thanks to you, I finally found the strength I never thought I had. Ironic, isn't it?

"In my mind, plays thoughts of you all the time.
In time, I'll find the right line."

saltwater

I'm a self-confessed crybaby. Even for the most unimaginable reasons, tears seem to escape my eyes. Funny thing is I don't find it necessary to hold it back.

Ask me why I'm crying and don't expect a rational answer. Wait, I take that back. Not even an irrational one.

I prefer crying than any other expression of emotion. Why? Sanity reasons, I guess.

Wouldn't it be more sane and to cry alone than to laugh alone?

You have no right to ask me why.
And believe me, you'd wish you never asked me in the first place.

the paper bag

I've been keeping my room's door open lately. I sleep in my parents' room at least twice a week. I don't like being alone. It's not that I can't function without anyone else, it's just that I want escape from things and thoughts that would bring tears back.

A couple of days ago, I cleaned my room. I emptied my drawers and cabinets and was able to gather tons of papers and old books. I also filled two garbage bags with roughly around 5 years' worth of trash. And memories.

Nope, I'm not the type who burns old pictures and letters. So instead, I gathered all of them and kept them neatly in one paper bag. And that was it. Just ONE paper bag. I never thought I could fit four years of laughter and tears (with everything in between) into one medium sized bag.

As I tucked it in the farthest corner of my cabinet, I was secretly wishing for something-that the next time I open it, it would either be to pile up more memories or to finally find the strength to throw it all away.

the aftermath

In a naked slumber, I'll dream all this again.

Long after the storm unravels its wrath,
When the winds have calmed down,
And the clouds decide to seek solace,
When the waters breathe in whispering melodies,
And a ray of light has won over the shadow,
The pain is slowly sinking in.

I don't appreciate the emptiness
I hear deafening silence.
I feel security from the serenity.
But I crave the sound of the wind, and the howls of the water;
Because despite all this,
I know you'll still be there.

Forgive but don't forget

Moving on isn't a choice one has to make. Contrary to what most might think, it is actually inevitable. You can't deprive yourself from finding things that would take your mind off those that would cause you pain. You can't stay miserable and sulk in your bedroom all day long. You can't cry a river forever. You just move on. But what you can't force yourself to do is FORGET. You cannot forget how it feels like to be with someone, to share a meal, to watch your favorite movies together, to laugh together, to act silly and while forgetting that the world is watching. You cannot forget his scent or the way his forehead wrinkles when you did something weird; or the way he stares, saying nothing at all and still understanding every single thing on his mind.

You forgive but you will never forget.
Ever.

on the verge

I've been here before.

It's not knowing what to do while knowing not to do it.
It's finding sense for everything while recognizing the fact that no reason can satisfy the cause.
It's wishing for near solace while digging deeper into quandary.

I've been here before.
This is the part where I'm supposed to know what to do or how to handle things.
Why does it seem all but an unknown state of bewilderment once again?
This is the part where I'm supposed to recall the last time I was here, when I was here, and what I did when I was here.
Why does it seem like it has never happened?

I can't run away anymore. Now is all i have.

Help me remember what I did right the last time.